no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

And then I fell off the face of the internet. Uh. Sorry about that. I have had an absolutely miserable week, and then anons made it worse, but I think I'm feeling somewhat better now. Ish. Except for the overwhelming anxiety over things I used to be totally confident at, and the random fear my dad's angry at me and I don't know why, and all the usual things on top of that... yeah. Better.

I don't know. For a few months there, I'd start writing a post and then end up deleting it all because I thought I was being whiny and annoying people. And lately, I've just skipped the writing and gone straight to the "nobody cares, Aubrey" part. I'm doing my best not to delete this post, even though I'm pretty sure... it is whiny and I'm annoying people. I'm not... looking for anyone to reassure me on this point, just meebling to myself... out loud...

Anyway. Since I probably should have been done with the 30 Days of Who meme by now, I'm just going go pick it up again and take a few days at a time until I'm done. ...but I'm only doing one today, because I don't feel like looking for photos right now. :|

Day 07 - Your Favorite Piece of Music
Honestly, I think it would probably be "Love Don't Roam". SHUT UP, DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'm also really fond of "The Master Tape" and "The Master Vainglorious", and "This is Gallifrey..." (I refuse to type out the entire title of that song, because it is ridiculously melodramatic. I can't help but hear it in Rassilon's voice. His shouty voice.) Especially "The Master Tape".

And from S5, I really really like what I... assume is Eleven's theme? I don't know, it's possible it's just general adventurey music, but it always registers as Eleven's theme to me, because it is bouncy and adorable and a little bit awkward and reminds me so much of him. ♥

( The Master list )

Dear lord, that was a long weekend. I'm sure the insomnia contributed to it seeming longer than it actually was, but it was exhausting, and I'm still exhausted. And I have more time on my hands than I know what to do with.

A lot of you know this already, but I left beyondtherift, the RP I've been playing in and modding for more than two years. I don't feel like talking about the reasons why in public, but almost none of them were anyone's fault, just... what needed to happen. But even when I'm sure I made the right choice for me, it's very, very strange.

That game is two years of my life, and for those two years, the Chicago of the Rift is where my heart lived. It's... back in my chest now, and I don't know what to do with it, where to put it next. I built a lot of my current social circle in the Rift, but it's not like they're going anywhere even when I'm not in the game - I know that, but I still feel a lot more alone than I did a week ago.

I am, at least, going to have to find a new place to put the Doctor before too long. I still want a break and a breather from RP as a whole, but the Doctor's my strongest headvoice and when he gets restless, I do. Considering I can't even get out of the house these days, wanderlust is not a thing I can indulge right now. So finding something new and shiny for the Doctor to poke at is of paramount importance, and... God, I don't even know where to start.

In other news, you can add THE FUCKING WALL to the list of things I have cut my hand on in the past week or so. I don't know how I do these things. I really don't. All I did was stretch and brush my fingers against the wall behind me and suddenly I am bleeding. For those keeping score, other stupid things that have made me bleed recently include Changes (the new Dresden Files book, which I knew was out to get me), and the window (but that window opens like it's trying to whack you in the face and concuss you, so I'm not surprised about that). I am talented like that.

I have another post (or two) that I need to make at some point soon - including some OMG DOCTOR WHO squee that ranges from a little to extremely late - but right now I need to drink my coffee and fucking write something. If I don't do something about my Big Bang soon, I'm going to end up crushed under the weight of all the words I have yet to write.

Stolen from darthsemicolon, because I'm... well, I'm avoiding doing anything productive now:
Post a list of all your roleplaying journal names and explain what the names mean, if anything.
Mostly just the active ones, and a few who aren't being played anywhere, but won't leave me alone.

( Cut for EPIC LIST )

So I just spend an hour or so downloading and installing an old version of Petz that I don't need a CD for. It was totally worth it. MY CHILDHOOD! Yes, I am a total dork, you guys.

And now, I am going to finish the first chapter of my Big Bang and fiddle with spoilerpatrol's journal. For... reasons.

If I finish that chapter of my Big Bang, I may then work on replotting the last part of On a Saturday. I miss On a Saturday. And I know new people now that I would like to introduce to that universe. ...yes, I treat my own verses like fandoms. WHAT OF IT?

Evie's sleep schedule and mine are not syncing up. I've decided to fix this by... staying up until the NEXT time she sleeps. WE'LL SEE HOW THAT GOES. It may require so much coffee. That can be done. And anyway, it can't be any worse than that one time I stayed up waiting for Evie to get home from the airport and it had been about 48 hours without sleep for both me and Jaqui and there was tagging with Gene and Sam... That was fun.

Oh, fine, fine, flist, I give in.

Step One: Look at Ye Olde Character List.
Step Two: Break out your character journals and have them ask my characters questions. If they have no questions, have them... I dunno. Say a word or random phrase and I'll throw a character at them to talk about that word or phrase and they can have existential debates about paperclips if that's their kink. The point is random, pointless, stressfree CR. If you demand an explanation out of one of my characters or have legitimate questions, personally and OOC-ly, I can also deal with that.
Step Three: There is no step three.

I feel like my character list is missing things. Huh. Also, for some reason, LJ hates Barrowman. It has EATEN most of the icons that belong to my Barrowman characters. ...All two of them.

I keep fluctuating between exhausted and wide awake, and barely being able to look at my NaNo without wanting to throw it across the room and being madly in love with it. It's... really frustrating and I don't know why it's happening, but it can stop any time now.

But hey, I'm a day ahead and then some, so I think I can allow myself a little time to set the novel aside and poke at other things. I've already cleared (almost) all the tags in my inbox, and the ones I haven't, I have no brain for at the moment. So now it's either posting Sam into Milliways, or writing some fanfic.

Given that posting Sam would require putting on Life on Mars so that I can get into proper Samvoice (and remember various plot details), and I'm really enjoying rewatching season two of Doctor Who right now, I think I'm going to go look at some prompt community and write something with the Doctor. Yes, I am taking a break from writing by... writing. What of it?

Because headvoice CPR is a good thing, and right now no one is talking to me...

Ask a character a question, any question, and they HAVE to answer completely honestly. Have to. It's the meme rule. Even if they'd normally lie, they suddenly have been hit with a truth serum of some kind and must tell the truth.

Or you can ignore that altogether and just throw one of your characters at mine for some random RP, either in this post or in a post you make... elsewhere. Whatever.

( The list... )

Focusing on anything right now is difficult, for no good reason. That is annoying, and I'm thinking about making a beyondtherift post for the Doctor at the airport, but... it won't matter until Evie gets home anyway, so I can put it off for a little while.

I wrote (well, finished) a story last night, and now I'm eying it and not sure whether I like it or hate it. And I can't decide whether I want to shove it at someone and get them to tell me what they think, or toss it somewhere and never look at it again, or just chuck it at my fic journal and then pretend it doesn't exist. Rrrh.

In other news, I've given blanket permission for any of my fics to be used at dvd_commentary - unlikely that anyone is going to want to, but I thought I would mention it.

And I keep looking at who_topia, and then looking at Jack. I think I want to app him there, not least because I don't actually have a game to play him at right now and that makes me sad. I miss him. But I don't know, because muse prompt comms are not something I've done before and... yeah, I just don't know. I should probably come to a decision soon, though, because it's Jack. *Purses lips*

And how is your day today, LJ? No exploding coffee shops, I hope?

I am finally caught up on all my tags. If I still owe you a tag for something (except for you, Evie, because our threads with Rose and April and the one with Romana are special cases)... it's because I accidentally deleted the notification email, or didn't get it at all, and you should probably point me in the direction of whatever thread I'm forgetting.

I also finished filling out the cast list (so far) for my On a Saturday verse. This pleases me, and yes, I do love all my DMA folks just as much as the constants, which I was a little worried about at first. But somewhere in the middle of the PB search they all solidified in my head and I fell madly in love with them, so all is well.

I'm thinking about a new layout, except that the new layout I want... involves the characters from On a Saturday. So that would require me making a header with all of them in it, and that's just so troublesome...

So I'm going to think more about it while I write drabbles for a fanmix. And try to get into a graphics-making mood so I can actually do the graphics for said fanmix (it's hard when my PB for Aleksandra is so damn hard to find pictures of). And try to ignore how much I want to scream and throw things at certain people (mostly various Walgreens managers, but a few other people too).

'Cause I... really can't help myself. I'm only gonna offer up the characters that are likely to be talkative now, so it's definitely missing a few of my headvoices, but...

Gather all your RP journals, list the characters and any AU versions you RP. Open the post to the public so even lurkers can ask the muses questions. Respond with that RP account.

( The list! )