no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

I'm at the airport. Haven't gone through security yet, because I have an outlet and a comfy chair here, and neither of those things seem to exist on the other side of security. I have an hour and change until my flight, and no one is awake on the internet to keep me entertained. And also, there are no tags in my inbox. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Today is one of those days I just... can't be myself out in the world. I have a lot of those when I actually have to interact with humans who aren't my people. Luckily for me, I never grew out of some things, so pretending to be someone else works just fine for me.

The Doctor is my favorite, especially when I'm travelling, for obvious reasons. I keep a sonic screwdriver in my bag as a matter of course. But being the Doctor requires a lot of energy I so don't have right now - on top of which, those trainers and airport security do not mix well. I'm just saying.

Harry Dresden is a good backup, and another one of my favorites lately - although I always end up annoyed by how short I am then. His pentacle's also in my bag right now, just in case I need something to throw at werewolves, but being Harry also requires something I can't find right now. There's this sort of bone-deep, unconscious confidence that he can handle anything the universe throws at him, and that's just not coming this morning.

So I'm Emily Prentiss today. She doesn't have that energy, or that confidence, but she's good enough at faking both that sometimes she can even fool herself. Her costume's simpler and a lot less obvious than the boys' - no trainers or talismans or trenchcoats, nothing I don't wear anyway when I'm being myself. In a lot of ways, she is me, just an extrovert where I'm the furthest thing from it, but shrugging Emily on like a coat is what it took to get me out of the house today.

I probably won't be myself for the rest of this trip, either. It's exhausting, even - sometimes especially - with my family. Pulling on someone else means I get to keep pieces of myself to myself, and I much prefer it that way.

And now that you're all thinking I'm a complete loser, and I've wasted an hour or so writing this post and screwing around on the internet, I think I'm going to head through security now. I'll do myself to let you all know I'm alive when I get to DC. &heart;

Happy new year, everyone!

Normally I post my word count for the year around now, but Iiii really don't want to talk about that. Let's just say... abysmal? Seriously, it's deeply depressing if I let myself think too much about it, so I am just going to... not do that.

Happy things? I signed up for getyourwordsout, so that will hopefully be helpful getting me... back to somewhere that feels more normal for me. And jaeled has issued a challenge to enter writing contests with her, and I am pretty much incapable of saying no to a direct challenge. Or to Jae.

ALSO, now that Yuletide fics are no longer anonymous, I can link to mine! (I'll post it on my writing journals properly another time. When I don't have so many things on my damn to do list.)

I wrote a Dresden Files/Sparrow Hill Road crossover for ordinarygirl. Could've been a lot better, as A) I am out of practice, and B) I was writing up to (and past) the deadline and so had no time to revise, but I still like it a lot.

...plus, now I can justify writing a second one once Ghost Story is out. You have no idea how excited I am for that.

NOW, I need to go... finish off the last few items on my to do list. So I can get to work on the second one. YES, I HAVE MULTIPLE LISTS AT ONCE. WHAT.

This post is just going to be a succession of unconnected... things, because I cannot be bothered to make it coherent. Deal with it. :|

1) I had to default on Yuletide. This annoys me, but I had nothing written and no ideas, and even if I had somehow managed to whip out something before the deadline, it would likely only be disappointing to the recipient, which I did not want. I'm hoping I'll be able to write some treats for people or something to make myself feel better. There are some fandoms I am dying to write in, so hopefully something will click.

2) I've been canon reviewing for w_for_wizard for months now. Because I'm dumb and keep picking up book characters (...okay, two). And because I keep trying to read, like, four books at once, this canon review is moving along more slowly than some glaciers. But I finished reading Fool Moon yesterday. And typed up my notes... which turned out to be three times longer than my notes for SF. The rest of this canon review is going to be fun. (The idea is that if I take enough notes, when I'm done I will only have to drag out the books when I need to remember a specific line or description or something. Chances this theory is true: slim to none.)

( More TDF rambling under the cut - mention of That Spoiler for Changes )

Anyway. I really need to speed up my canon review if I want to be done by the time Ghost Story is out. Which... would be really, really nice, but doesn't seem too likely at this point.

3) SO I AM HAVING THIS PROBLEM WITH RP. ...before anyone freaks out, it isn't with a specific game or person. It's more a general sort of thing that is bothering me, possibly because I am just neurotic and worry about these things way more than I really should.

( ANOTHER CUT. This one just in case you don't care about my RP flailing. )

4) Possible Christmas party with Beka tomorrow. (Uh. Later today, actually, at this point.) I might have to be sociable. With people. Out in the world. Oh god I might die.

...I mean. Getting out of the house is awesome and all, but OH GOD PEOPLE. STRANGERS, EVEN. I AM NEVER GOOD AT THAT SORT OF THING. *Hides forever* ...and I should probably go to bed right fucking now if I want to get anything done before I have to go out in the world. Crap.

WHY IS THE WORLD SO COLD? ...the strange thing is that I was fine for the past week when it was actually snowing. Constantly. But today the sun was up, and now I feel like it's so cold I might die. This does not make sense.

...and as I was typing this, I looked up and realized the window was slightly open. That explains a lot. And then I had to spend several minutes with my hands going numb peeling this weird sticky foam out of the window so it would actually latch when I closed it again. At least now the heat will hopefully remain inside the house...

I have not started my Yuletide story. I don't know what I'm doing for my Yuletide story. There's actually nothing wrong with the fandom or the assignment, it's just... almost too easy for me? I can't really say any more without giving serious hints about what fandom it is, but I am mostly annoyed at myself right now.

Canon reviewing right now to see if something will hit me, and desperately hoping I don't end up writing straight up to the deadline (though it's not out of the realm of possibility).

...man, this post is whiny. I just don't think I have anything else right now. Uh... Have a picture of Michaelcat forcing his love on a very uncomfortable boppy. (He thinks they're cuddlebuddies now. Ace disagrees.)

I've spent the last week or so feeling like I'm fourteen years old and in fucking high school again. And the more I feel like that, the more I realize - when I guess it never really sank in, before - just how much my childhood screwed me up.

It's no one's fault, really. Part of it's the military brat thing - and not all military brats are even like this, it's just that I got moved around a lot more than most. And my mom lived across the country, and my dad was being deployed all the time, and my siblings were much more socially apt than I ever was, so they made friends easily where it usually took me a year or two, and by then we'd be moving again, and... I got used to being lonely. To not being able to count on anyone, because even when they might want to help, they probably won't be available when I need them.

I never learned how to hang onto friends when I moved away, or they did - I usually let go as quickly as possible, because at least there's a clean cut then. When I got into huge blowout fights with my friends, I never learned how to fix it, because I'd be moving in a few months anyway, and what was the fucking point? I still don't know how to do those things, even though I'm a goddamn adult now, and these should not be difficult things to master.

But I feel like I'm losing people, I start feeling lonely and isolated, fourteen years old and fighting the world alone, and I don't even know how to begin to make it better. I know how to let go before I get too badly hurt, how to pull into myself and isolate more so it can't happen again, and...

I've caught myself thinking, a few times the past week, that I should just stop having friends. Stop talking to people at all. Because that's totally a reasonable strategy to avoid losing people, and - seriously, what the hell kind of thought process is that? I know it's incorrect. And insane. I just... I don't know. My emotional toolbox is a little low on alternatives.

As soon as I finish this post, I'm going to have to run and work on my writerinadrawer story for this week in an attempt to not have to write right up to the deadline. I have about sixteen hours - that's plenty of time. Totally. (Next week, I am so starting as soon as I've finished voting. :|)

...to be honest, I don't have a lot to say today, I just had to focus on something other than that damn fic for a while. And you know, it would be a lot easier to keep up with that 30 Days of Who meme - and keeping track of time in general - if my awake-time somewhat corresponded with the date. When I sleep in the middle of the day, everything gets confused.

A deer came by to visit this morning! It was wandering around in the driveway, about ten feet from the window, and when Ace jumped up to look out the window, it actually came closer to investigate. And then Ace managed to scare it away and spent a couple hours whining for it to come back.

And Michaelcat somehow taught himself to use the toilet. I... don't know how that happened, though I won't complain if he keeps doing it. I swear, I have never met a stranger cat in my life.

Day 06 - Whatever Tickles Your Fancy
A lot of you have probably already seen this, but in case anyone hasn't, this is just fucking cool. Also... uh... terrifying. NASA discover Doctor Who's crack in the middle of the Milky Way.

And I thought the suspiciously-shaped crack in my ceiling was creepy (...okay, it still is).

( The Master list )

I'm really not good at the internet when I haven't been able to write. It's very annoying, because I miss talking to people, but apparently I'm not allowed to have people unless I have channelled Seanan McGuire and been inhumanly productive or something? I don't even know. My brain doesn't cope well with the fact that BEING SICK MAKES YOU LESS ABLE TO DO SHIT.

The woods around the house continue to be creepy as fuck at night. Last night, with absolutely nothing I could see or hear outside, Ace lunged at the window with one of those thunderous barks that should come from a dog twice her size. It was not an alert bark, which are higher pitched, it was "THERE ARE INTRUDERS AT THE DOOR", and there was nothing there. It kind of freaked me out.

On the bright side of living in woods that are possibly evil, the other day I took Ace out just after the sun started rising, and we ran into a bunny and two deer. Sadly, they would not be Ace's friends, which disappointed her a lot.

*

In fandom news, the Ashes to Ashes finale was... almost everything I wanted. ( Cut for OMGSPOILERS. )

And now, if you don't mind, I have to wander off and download and watch Doctor Who. (And one day, maybe, I won't totally fail at making reaction posts for that. I hope.)

While I have you here, though, I have a rec for something you absolutely must go look at right now. It is A Partial Map of Your TARDIS (Subject to Change), and it is somewhere between fic and fanart, and it is absolutely glorious. I think I may be adopting into my personal canon for the Doctor.

Yeah, still can't force myself to do anything productive. I can't tell if the looming deadline of TBB is making it worse, or just... existing, totally tangential to the writingfail.

I think my brain is just stuck in input mode right now - I don't know how it got that way, and I don't know how to flip it back. There's nothing wrong with being in input mode, in theory, and except for TBB, this is not a bad time for it to happen, but... augh. I get all lost and depressed when I don't have something to show for my existence every day, and that has been more often than not lately.

I did manage to power through Torchwood in the last few days, including CoE - I've been putting off a rewatch for months and months, but now that I have watched it again? I would just like to reaffirm my love for the girls. All of them.

I'd forgotten especially how much I loved Lois, and I might have made an embarrassingly loud noise of pure GLEE when she answered "You and whose army?" with the word "Torchwood." SO. MUCH. LOVE. I'm seriously considering trying to find a place to play her. ...or Alice. Either one.

I think I'm going to curl up somewhere and just read a book until Doctor Who is up and Beka gets home. And hope I don't get attacked by any wasps in the meantime. They keep getting into the house, and I don't know how, and last night one started chasing me across the living room. I'd rather not repeat that experience.

I AM SITTING AT MY DESK. IN MY BEDROOM. WITH THE COMPUTER PLUGGED IN. IT IS A GLORIOUS FEELING.

...something about the current arrangement of the room, with the desk in the bedroom and all also makes me feel like I'm sixteen again and I don't know why. We shall disregard that feeling for the moment.

I haven't really been able to focus on anything today. I managed to beta a fic for lionessvalenti, and I cleaned up the cast list because _chibidragon_ reminded me that hey, I was going to finish the activity check... yesterday, but besides that? Cannot pay attention to anything for longer than five, maybe ten minutes. It sucks.

You should all go look at the cast list though, because it's just so pretty. I shoved Julia and Martin to NPC status - Julia because I can't keep her active but I do want a first angel still in Chicago, Martin because all his CR keeps dropping or dying, but I couldn't convince him to go to Colombia. Yeah, now he gets attached to Chicago. Go figure. So now I have thirteen characters, and two of those are doomed to die (or... something) at some point in the nearish future. \o/

And... both Twitter and LJ notifications are failing me today, so if I seem like I'm ignoring you or your tags or anything today, I'm not. Technology just hates me.

...yeah, I'm gonna go write now. Or at least pretend to until I have to fall into bed. I'm getting really good at that "pretending to write" thing. Not so much the actual writing.

EDIT: Okay, I forgot that it is still cold at night, and the bedroom with the door closed is cut off from any source of heat. BRB, finding ways to not freeze to death.