no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

And then I fell off the face of the internet. Uh. Sorry about that. I have had an absolutely miserable week, and then anons made it worse, but I think I'm feeling somewhat better now. Ish. Except for the overwhelming anxiety over things I used to be totally confident at, and the random fear my dad's angry at me and I don't know why, and all the usual things on top of that... yeah. Better.

I don't know. For a few months there, I'd start writing a post and then end up deleting it all because I thought I was being whiny and annoying people. And lately, I've just skipped the writing and gone straight to the "nobody cares, Aubrey" part. I'm doing my best not to delete this post, even though I'm pretty sure... it is whiny and I'm annoying people. I'm not... looking for anyone to reassure me on this point, just meebling to myself... out loud...

Anyway. Since I probably should have been done with the 30 Days of Who meme by now, I'm just going go pick it up again and take a few days at a time until I'm done. ...but I'm only doing one today, because I don't feel like looking for photos right now. :|

Day 07 - Your Favorite Piece of Music
Honestly, I think it would probably be "Love Don't Roam". SHUT UP, DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'm also really fond of "The Master Tape" and "The Master Vainglorious", and "This is Gallifrey..." (I refuse to type out the entire title of that song, because it is ridiculously melodramatic. I can't help but hear it in Rassilon's voice. His shouty voice.) Especially "The Master Tape".

And from S5, I really really like what I... assume is Eleven's theme? I don't know, it's possible it's just general adventurey music, but it always registers as Eleven's theme to me, because it is bouncy and adorable and a little bit awkward and reminds me so much of him. ♥

( The Master list )

So I've failed at reaction posts this whole season, but I am spazzing enough that I need to do it at people. The episode itself was wonderful, and if the next one is as good, it might have to fight it out with Utopia/SoD/LotTL for my favorite season finale ever.

At the very least, I think my favorite Team TARDIS has been upset. Sorry, Ten/Martha/Jack. You're still my OT3, but Eleven and River and Amy are way better at teamwork. Maybe because Eleven's less of an ass to his friends.

( Seriously, don't even LOOK at this cut tag unless you've seen the Pandorica episode. AVERT YOUR EYES. QUICK. )

....there were more things I might have wanted to say, but I got distracted from them. By stuff. I may come back to this, but in the mean time, I'm going to go wander off and see about writerinadrawer voting.

Annnd this is entirely unrelated to everything else, but does anyone know if there's an Amy vid to Blue Caravan? And if there's not, can someone fix that problem ASAP?

EDIT: ( Moar spoilers under here. RUN AWAY. )

Last night, I had a dream Beka and I moved to another planet on a whim. ...this is actually not far off from the way we usually move, just on a larger scale. It was pretty awesome, and the sky was all outer-space-colorful like in Doctor Who, and there was a subplot where there were some people trying to kill us and some creepy things in the woods and (as usual in my dreams) everyone but me was useless. YES, I HAVE SUBPLOTS IN MY DREAMS. WHAT OF IT?

I also don't know what the recurring "everyone is useless but me" theme in my dreams says about my psychology, but I swear I don't feel that way when I'm conscious. Really.

In other news, I got third in writerinadrawer for last week's round, and one of the people who tied for first was trollopfop, so I don't really mind. This week, I have to write two stories before Friday - one for WIAD, and one with Eleven and Amelia because the idea would not leave me alone, and it will probably be Jossed hard on Saturday, or the week after that. :D

I really need to finish that Eleven fic first, because my trans_9 tags are piling up fast, and I can't write Ten with a different Doctor in my brain. ANNOYING.

Annnd... I'm not even going to try to catch up on my 30 Days of Who meme. I had no energy to post for the past few days, so I'm just going to keep going from where I was.

Day 05 - Your Favorite Companion
This one is both... blatantly obvious and kind of hard?

If we're talking regular, series-long companion, it would be Martha, hands-down. I'd like to put a list of my favorite things about her here, but I would go on forever - there is nothing about her I don't love. But right at the top of the list is that she is so very good at carrying on in situations that require courage and strength day after day after day (1913, 1969, the YTNW) as opposed to "we'll fix this in a few hours and be off!" Also, I said this before, earlier in the meme, but I cannot stress this enough: Martha Jones saved the world by telling stories.

I could also go on forever about how annoyed I am by how misused Martha was in her appearances on Torchwood and Doctor Who after S3, and why I wish she'd gotten another season, but this post is getting long already.

If companions that do not get a full series count, then I think River ties with Martha. She is a lot of things I love in male characters but so rarely get in female characters. She's brilliant and snarky and arrogant and unapologetically awesome, and I love her like chocolate. (OMG MORE RIVER ON SATURDAY. CANNOT WAIT.)

Honorable mention: Amy and Jack.

( The Master list )

I have other things to post today, but those can... wait. Right now, you're getting a meme, and two days of my 30 Days of Who thing, because I was too tired to do it last night.

the TV TROPES meme
...I'm so, so sorry. :|

Day 02 - Your Favorite Classic Series Episode
I am terrible at watching Classic Who. It's not that I don't want to, but I always get fed up waiting for the torrent, and then by the time it's actually downloaded, I forget it exists... One day I'm going to get better at that. So I have trouble picking a favorite, because my knowledge is so spotty - I have seen at least one or two of every Doctor (except maybe Six? I remember nothing of Six...), but there are some companions I haven't seen, and I need to fix that.

I have special love for The Daleks. Team TARDIS shoves a Dalek around like in "Journey's End", but without the special Donna magic! Ian climbs into a Dalek! There is nothing not hilarious and awesome about that. Also Spearhead from Space, because I love Three like kittens, and it is the episode I think of first when I think of him - I do not know why, because unlike every other Classic Doctor, I have seen, like, half his episodes. And there's Castrovalva, which made me fall in love with Nyssa and Tegan and Five. And it has the Master! ...being really sketchy at Adric... Yyeeaaah.

I think if I had to pick an absolute favorite, though, it would be City of Death. Four and Romana running around in Paris! Douglas Adams episode! The best special effects ever! (...I wish I had a .gif to demonstrate this point. As it is, you'll just have to believe me - THEY ARE AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean hilarious.)

Day 03 - Your Favorite New Series Episode
I'm counting two-parters as one episode (and lumping Utopia in with the two-parter that comes after it, because I can), so!

Favorite of all time is definitely "Utopia"/"Sound of Drums"/"Last of the Time Lords". It's the end of my favorite season - I think S3 is the most coherent in terms of story arc so far, because standalone episodes are actually to set up the finale instead of just tossing some arc words around and calling it a day. Plus, the episodes by themselves just make me happy (and yes, I did watch this before I watched the rest of S3...). I don't even mind the basic concept of the Tinkerbell Jesus Doctor, I just wish the special effects had been toned down a little (...okay, a lot). Martha, Jack and Ten are my very favorite Team TARDIS, and Martha Jones saved the world by telling stories. I cannot emphasize the awesomeness of that enough.

Close runners up include "The Empty Child"/"The Doctor Dances", "The Girl in the Fireplace", "Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead", "Midnight", and "Time of Angels"/"Flesh and Stone". Yeah, I know, all but one of those have Moffat in common. Shut up. It's like he has a list of my story kinks and goes and hits them on purpose. And I don't mind at all.

( The Master list )

I'm really not good at the internet when I haven't been able to write. It's very annoying, because I miss talking to people, but apparently I'm not allowed to have people unless I have channelled Seanan McGuire and been inhumanly productive or something? I don't even know. My brain doesn't cope well with the fact that BEING SICK MAKES YOU LESS ABLE TO DO SHIT.

The woods around the house continue to be creepy as fuck at night. Last night, with absolutely nothing I could see or hear outside, Ace lunged at the window with one of those thunderous barks that should come from a dog twice her size. It was not an alert bark, which are higher pitched, it was "THERE ARE INTRUDERS AT THE DOOR", and there was nothing there. It kind of freaked me out.

On the bright side of living in woods that are possibly evil, the other day I took Ace out just after the sun started rising, and we ran into a bunny and two deer. Sadly, they would not be Ace's friends, which disappointed her a lot.

*

In fandom news, the Ashes to Ashes finale was... almost everything I wanted. ( Cut for OMGSPOILERS. )

And now, if you don't mind, I have to wander off and download and watch Doctor Who. (And one day, maybe, I won't totally fail at making reaction posts for that. I hope.)

While I have you here, though, I have a rec for something you absolutely must go look at right now. It is A Partial Map of Your TARDIS (Subject to Change), and it is somewhere between fic and fanart, and it is absolutely glorious. I think I may be adopting into my personal canon for the Doctor.

Dear lord, that was a long weekend. I'm sure the insomnia contributed to it seeming longer than it actually was, but it was exhausting, and I'm still exhausted. And I have more time on my hands than I know what to do with.

A lot of you know this already, but I left beyondtherift, the RP I've been playing in and modding for more than two years. I don't feel like talking about the reasons why in public, but almost none of them were anyone's fault, just... what needed to happen. But even when I'm sure I made the right choice for me, it's very, very strange.

That game is two years of my life, and for those two years, the Chicago of the Rift is where my heart lived. It's... back in my chest now, and I don't know what to do with it, where to put it next. I built a lot of my current social circle in the Rift, but it's not like they're going anywhere even when I'm not in the game - I know that, but I still feel a lot more alone than I did a week ago.

I am, at least, going to have to find a new place to put the Doctor before too long. I still want a break and a breather from RP as a whole, but the Doctor's my strongest headvoice and when he gets restless, I do. Considering I can't even get out of the house these days, wanderlust is not a thing I can indulge right now. So finding something new and shiny for the Doctor to poke at is of paramount importance, and... God, I don't even know where to start.

In other news, you can add THE FUCKING WALL to the list of things I have cut my hand on in the past week or so. I don't know how I do these things. I really don't. All I did was stretch and brush my fingers against the wall behind me and suddenly I am bleeding. For those keeping score, other stupid things that have made me bleed recently include Changes (the new Dresden Files book, which I knew was out to get me), and the window (but that window opens like it's trying to whack you in the face and concuss you, so I'm not surprised about that). I am talented like that.

I have another post (or two) that I need to make at some point soon - including some OMG DOCTOR WHO squee that ranges from a little to extremely late - but right now I need to drink my coffee and fucking write something. If I don't do something about my Big Bang soon, I'm going to end up crushed under the weight of all the words I have yet to write.

You know, I kinda thought when I went to bed yesterday that I would only sleep for, like, five hours, and then wake up and be ready to be productive. That was a silly, silly thing for me to think.

I slept until it was dark out, and had horrible nightmares about weeping angels. (The dreams, I suppose, could have been worse. My dream self decided I'd had enough with this not blinking shit, so I just started taking a bat to the angel statues and breaking pieces off of them. :| Then again, they were also ninja weeping angels that made you look several times before you noticed them and hid behind doors and shit, so... IDK. I think my subconscious is just way too excited for the next episodes of Doctor Who.)

( No one needs to hear about my deathplague. Unless you're really fascinated by how my body keeps trying to kill me... )

However, deathplagues and dumb ways of injuring myself aside, today is still awesome, because draegonhawke is making something to help me edit the cast list tables, and I have seen it, and it is as fantastic as magi is. I AM SO EXCITED.

...and now I'm going to go back to writing (okay, outlining) shit while buried under as many blankets as I have. And the animals. They're all on top of me too. Somehow. ...it's kind of weird and creepy, in an endearing way.

So after watching Victory of the Daleks, something was bothering me, so I had to go back and watch The Eleventh Hour and see if I could work that something out. I... didn't, but I noticed something at the end, when the Doctor's on the TARDIS.

I haven't been around Doctor Who comms lately, so I don't know whether anyone's brought this up or how often, but...

( Cut for screencaps... and spoilers if you are somehow totally oblivious to the season arc so far... )

I plan to do a proper review of all three episodes in a row and try to formulate more coherent thoughts later. For right now... just... adlfkjsd;lkjafadsCRACKS.

...I have no Eleven or Amy icons. I should fix this, but I have only 15 icon slots, and I'm very picky. Damn it.

I've apparently reached the stage in this latest emotional spaz where I start cleaning absolutely everything. This is a problem when being on my feet for more than five minutes or so makes me dizzy and achy and generally, you know, unhappy, but I do it anyway.

This time, it comes with moving furniture around, so when I finish, I will actually have a desk that's next to outlets. So I can actually use my desk. Huzzah!

...This house, by the way, baffles me. There is no way to arrange furniture that makes sense, so whatever I do, things are cramped together in some places and there's too much space in others, and the outlets are always just a little too far away, and the bedroom windows are too small and can you tell I hate this house? I love everything about Ithaca except this house.

But soon I will have a desk I can use, so that's one good thing. I won't be able to keep the coffee pot right next to my computer like I do now, but I can deal with that. I'm just hoping I don't accidentally kill myself moving stuff. That would be a stupid way to die.

Also, it's Doctor Who day! I forgot how awesome Saturdays are when Doctor Who is airing. I have to wait until Beka gets home at 8 to watch it, so no one speak a word about it to me until... after that.

NaNoWriMo has trained me horribly for this Big Bang thing (or... writing in general). Because I keep going "OH NO, I'VE ONLY WRITTEN 500 WORDS TODAY. I'M NEVER GOING TO FINISH. I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP NOW." (...I swear I'm not that dramatic about it. But the way I'm spazzing about it, you'd think it is that dire.)

In reality, I still have more than two months in which to finish a draft. And unless my progress chart is lying to me, I only have to write 200 words a day to make 20k. JESUS, THAT IS SO FUCKING EASY. WHY IS MY BRAIN TRYING TO CONVINCE ME I'VE ALREADY FAILED?

Of course, there's always the part where I'm pretty certain I'm going to need 25-30k words to actually finish the story, but I'm... dealing with that. I'm not so much scared of the word count as I am getting to the end part of the story and going "OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. FUCKING TORCHWOOD." (There actually is a reason to blame Torchwood in this story. I'm not just randomly cursing them. Just so you know.)

In other, non-Big Bang related news, we might be venturing out into the world today. On the bus, because I refuse to get in the car again until it actually has a license plate on it (don't ask, seriously). I don't know where we're going, but I'm voting for a coffee shop and writing. And a bookstore, because we are in desperate need of A Local Habitation. Yes.

...it would figure that the past few days have been awesome and sunny, and then as soon as we decide to venture into the world, everything turns gray and ugly. Not cool, universe. ...though I suppose it does give me an excuse to wear my longcoat out. I love my longcoat.

EDIT: And then it started raining. Why, universe? Why would you do that to me? *Wibble*