no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

Blah. Just... blah.

1) Everything in the universe is conspiring to make me miss the City like burning. It is driving me crazy, but there is literally nothing I want more right now than to just sit in a park all day long. Or ride around the subway forever. Though really, I'd take human contact and/or some space to myself and the ability to leave the damn house. Why is the bus stop so far away?

2) Everything hurts and nothing makes it stop hurting. It's making me angry and snappish at the world, which is why I've been avoiding the internet at large. Except that not talking to people then started making me even more cranky. That's... not how this is supposed to work. :\

3) Random anxiety can DIAF. I keep getting randomly panicky over nothing at all, and there's no way to fix it, because I don't know what's bothering me. This is not helping my general world-hatred.

4) I am beginning to think I should just... stop signing up for things for a while. Every time I do, I start wanting to write anything but what I should be writing, and then I tell myself I can't do that until I finish whatever I'm supposed to be working on, and I end up not writing anything at all.

All of which is a roundabout way of saying I may be dropping out of writerinadrawer (again), unless I manage to remember where I was going with this fic and finish it in the next... five hours or so. I know I'll feel weirdly guilty if I drop out (even if probably no one will care but me), but I hate stressing myself out over this shit.

...I'm too distracty right now to do the 30 Days of Who meme right now. I'll get back to it later today. Probably.

Finished my writerinadrawer. I kind of want to set it on fire. But voting opens in about three hours, so if you have nothing better to do and like/know Torchwood, you should go read and vote then! There's bound to be a better fic than mine there! (...god, I hope so, or this week will be very depressing. I'm kind of hoping people default so I can last until next week, and hopefully do better then.)

...I might be feeling slightly better about my fic specifically and life in general if today weren't so godawful on the pain front. This is not just my usual low-level everything-aches kind of pain. This is dull knives being shoved into random places on my body for no good reason kind of pain, and the painkillers DO NOTHING.

I'm going to have a drink and go to bed. That's really the only thing to do in these circumstances, and THIS, BY THE WAY, IS WHY I NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE. My fucking body is sabotaging me.

Mrrph. Goodnight, internet. Yes, at 3 PM. It can be night if I say it is.


Side note to self before bed, for later reference: When ordinarygirl starts making disapproving Donna faces at you, there is usually a good reason. Maybe we should listen?

Last night, I had a dream Beka and I moved to another planet on a whim. ...this is actually not far off from the way we usually move, just on a larger scale. It was pretty awesome, and the sky was all outer-space-colorful like in Doctor Who, and there was a subplot where there were some people trying to kill us and some creepy things in the woods and (as usual in my dreams) everyone but me was useless. YES, I HAVE SUBPLOTS IN MY DREAMS. WHAT OF IT?

I also don't know what the recurring "everyone is useless but me" theme in my dreams says about my psychology, but I swear I don't feel that way when I'm conscious. Really.

In other news, I got third in writerinadrawer for last week's round, and one of the people who tied for first was trollopfop, so I don't really mind. This week, I have to write two stories before Friday - one for WIAD, and one with Eleven and Amelia because the idea would not leave me alone, and it will probably be Jossed hard on Saturday, or the week after that. :D

I really need to finish that Eleven fic first, because my trans_9 tags are piling up fast, and I can't write Ten with a different Doctor in my brain. ANNOYING.

Annnd... I'm not even going to try to catch up on my 30 Days of Who meme. I had no energy to post for the past few days, so I'm just going to keep going from where I was.

Day 05 - Your Favorite Companion
This one is both... blatantly obvious and kind of hard?

If we're talking regular, series-long companion, it would be Martha, hands-down. I'd like to put a list of my favorite things about her here, but I would go on forever - there is nothing about her I don't love. But right at the top of the list is that she is so very good at carrying on in situations that require courage and strength day after day after day (1913, 1969, the YTNW) as opposed to "we'll fix this in a few hours and be off!" Also, I said this before, earlier in the meme, but I cannot stress this enough: Martha Jones saved the world by telling stories.

I could also go on forever about how annoyed I am by how misused Martha was in her appearances on Torchwood and Doctor Who after S3, and why I wish she'd gotten another season, but this post is getting long already.

If companions that do not get a full series count, then I think River ties with Martha. She is a lot of things I love in male characters but so rarely get in female characters. She's brilliant and snarky and arrogant and unapologetically awesome, and I love her like chocolate. (OMG MORE RIVER ON SATURDAY. CANNOT WAIT.)

Honorable mention: Amy and Jack.

( The Master list )

So I quit writerinadrawer. I had nothing for this week's prompt anyway - a few vague ideas, but nothing I really loved, and I could see the negative votes for stupid reasons coming a mile off. It's not that I don't enjoy the challenge, because I really, really do, but I'm not having enough fun with it right now to kill myself writing a story I'm not interested in anyway.

On top of which, the fact that the rounds were going into overtime meant that the last round, if I got there, would have happened right when we're moving, and it is hard to write in a car. Not impossible, but I wouldn't want to bet on my ability to manage it. Of course, now that I've dropped out, they're not going into overtime anymore, but... y'know, it wasn't going to work out in my favor either way.

It does not help that I have been having issues involving anything creative whatsoever. Fanfic, original fic, RP, doesn't matter, I suck at it. And maybe the sane thing to do would be to take a break, stop trying and wait for it to come back, but I've got nothing else to do with myself, and I think I'd just go even more crazy doing nothing.

God, I'm having such a terrible day. Week. Whatever. I don't even know anymore.

EDIT: On the slightly brighter side, I have a pumpkin spice frappuccino. Pumpkin spice stuffs are my favorite. :D

Rrrh. I am not loving today. I woke up. Was allergic to life and could not stop sneezing. Took an allergy pill, went to bed for a few hours. Woke up again, and am now considering going back to bed just because I'm so damn tired, and I'm failing at doing anything productive.

I tried doing tags, and just ended up staring at the comment box for a while before closing the tab, so those of you waiting on tags from me... I will get back to you tomorrow, I promise.

Managed to finish my story for WIAD this round, though I had a minor freakout two hours to the deadline and almost defaulted. Um. I'm spazzing over this more than really necessary, but I'm trying to stop. Voting is up (stories here, voting here), for those of you with a little time to read and vote. I am not confident about my chances at this point, to be perfectly honest.

Today is just... frustrating me. I really, really want to be productive, but I am just so damn tired. I can't focus, and I'm starting to think that at this point, bed might be the best option.

I was up all night writing my writerinadrawer fic. I meant to do it last night, but then I made the mistake of going down to Jaqui's for cuddles. I thought I'd only be down there for a few minutes, which turned somehow into four hours. Pretty impressive, actually. And by the time I realized it, it was afternoon and I sort of collapsed into bed against my will.

My fic is done now, and... I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't need to be set on fire or anything? So that's something. I'm trying not to spaz about it (at least until Sunday morning), I'm just... poking it with a stick and hoping it spontaneously generates a title or something.

I also managed to rewatch Children of Earth earlier, without having a meltdown. Granted, I kind of... tuned out through most of the end of Day Four (when I was done yelling at Torchwood for failing at plans, because waving your guns and making threats IS NOT a plan), but still. The only thing that actually made me cry, strangely enough was... Alice, smiling at Jack in Day 5. It's just a brief moment, toward the middle, but god, it breaks my heart. The rewatch mostly just reinforced my desire to write a ton of fic with Alice and Lois and Agent Johnson. Maybe not all at the same time.

And... here, have a meme. Since this one is actually pretty cool and I find it interesting.

Ask me my fannish Top Five [Whatevers]. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! I will answer them all in a new post.

I woke up today and couldn't breathe through my nose. Marginally better now after taking some allergy meds, but I still feel icky for some reason. I'm already bracing for today to be one of those days, but maybe the universe will prove me wrong.

writerinadrawer voting closes tomorrow. The prompt this round was hard for most of us, and it shows in the writing - it's technically okay, for the most part, but my reaction to a lot of the stories was that I just didn't care. Still, there were two or three I did enjoy in there (and I think I would have liked mine too, were it not... mine), and if you can manage to vote, that would be awesome. There's apparently a tie or two right now. The stories are here and here, and the voting post is here. Bonus points for guessing which is mine! (I don't think it'll be hard - I feel like I was particularly obvious this round.)

I also signed up for tw_bigbang, so that starletfallen and I can write the post-Children of Earth thing that has been floating around in our heads. This may be a mistake, with WIAD going on at the same time... but we'll see. Maybe the fact that we're cowriting it will help. My real concern, at the moment, is about the structure I want, and whether it really works for a Big Bang fic.

I'm in kind of a mood today. Not a "hate the world and everyone in it" mood, which is nice for a change, but... I don't know. I feel like something bad is going to happen soon, and I really don't like waiting for it. Eli's coming.

I am just about to crash, so I'm not entirely sure how coherent I am right now. However. A few things.

• beyondtherift got an Alex Drake. And she is fantastic and I am so happy about it. Sam is getting smacked in the face by karma for all the times other people had to deal with his crazy.
  
  
• Torchwood S4 just got confirmed. I am so pleased right now. And okay, more than a little smug. I think this is what victory feels like. XD I believe that those who need to ask how Torchwood will go on after S3 are suffering from a lack of imagination. Also, I so need to get to work on plotting my epic post-S3 fic. I'd do it tonight, but SO TIRED. So it'll have to be tomorrow.
  
  
• I am failing at actually sleeping lately. I try to go to sleep in a timely fashion, but then I just lie in bed stressing out about nothing in particular. It sucks. If I don't fall asleep in an hour tonight, I'm so getting up again. If I'm going to be awake, exhausted and annoyed, I'm at least going to be productive about it.
  
  
• Beka may or may not have adopted a stray black kitty the other day. We were thinking about getting a kitten anyway, and while this kitty is decidedly older than a kitten, he is still tineh. And cuddly and adorable. His name is Wednesday Michaelcat... Rodrigo... Atreyu... I don't even know. XD Beka had everyone in chat give him a name, so it is long and epic. Just call him Michaelcat, it's better for everyone's sanity.
  
  
• writerinadrawer is still open for voting until 5 PM CDT! If you haven't yet voted and have some time to do so, you definitely should. There are some pretty awesome fics in there (by no means all of them, but the good ones are so worth reading the others). The fic posts are here and here, and the voting post is here. Bonus game: see if you can guess which fic is mine! ...mostly because it amuses me to see if you guys can. (Beka, you don't count at all.)