no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

Oh my god, tonight sucks already and I just woke up.

It apparently started sleeting while I slept, and all my joints hurt (especially my elbows, for some reason), so I really don't want to get out of bed any more than I have to. And I can't stop sneezing, and I'm nearly out of coffee. And I had really unpleasant dreams about serial killers (which... I suppose is what happens when you fall asleep with Sherlock on a loop in the background, but... shut up, it seemed like a good idea at the time), and Beka isn't coming home tonight because the sleet made the buses not run. Awesome.

PLEASE TO SHOVE HAPPY THINGS AT ME, WORLD? ANYTHING AT ALL? Or leave love on my thread at rplovelovememe? Or at least... let me know some of you are having a better day than I am. That would help too.

Ever have that feeling like Something is Wrong in the Universe, but you don't know what it is or how to fix it? That's about where I am right now.

Usually it freaks me out, but right now it's just making me want to punch something. *Grumblesulk*

I've spent the last week or so feeling like I'm fourteen years old and in fucking high school again. And the more I feel like that, the more I realize - when I guess it never really sank in, before - just how much my childhood screwed me up.

It's no one's fault, really. Part of it's the military brat thing - and not all military brats are even like this, it's just that I got moved around a lot more than most. And my mom lived across the country, and my dad was being deployed all the time, and my siblings were much more socially apt than I ever was, so they made friends easily where it usually took me a year or two, and by then we'd be moving again, and... I got used to being lonely. To not being able to count on anyone, because even when they might want to help, they probably won't be available when I need them.

I never learned how to hang onto friends when I moved away, or they did - I usually let go as quickly as possible, because at least there's a clean cut then. When I got into huge blowout fights with my friends, I never learned how to fix it, because I'd be moving in a few months anyway, and what was the fucking point? I still don't know how to do those things, even though I'm a goddamn adult now, and these should not be difficult things to master.

But I feel like I'm losing people, I start feeling lonely and isolated, fourteen years old and fighting the world alone, and I don't even know how to begin to make it better. I know how to let go before I get too badly hurt, how to pull into myself and isolate more so it can't happen again, and...

I've caught myself thinking, a few times the past week, that I should just stop having friends. Stop talking to people at all. Because that's totally a reasonable strategy to avoid losing people, and - seriously, what the hell kind of thought process is that? I know it's incorrect. And insane. I just... I don't know. My emotional toolbox is a little low on alternatives.

In the past, I have managed to cut my fingers on the wall, the shower, Changes (the Dresden Files book, which, to be fair, I always knew was out to get me), and possibly thin air.

So what in the world made me think I could clean up broken glass without slicing my fingers open?

It hurts, and we have nothing even resembling a bandaid, and there is probably still broken glass over there, but if I have to bend over any more right now, I think I might actually pass out.

The cats should be very, very glad that cleaning up after them takes up all the energy I would otherwise use to strangle them. That's all I'm saying.

So. This is not my best day ever. Not only did I have to go to dinner with ordinarygirl's dad, but I had to bathe the dog in the shower, so... yeah, best day ever is a long way off.

I am thinking of happy things to offset my spaz, so I don't explode and kill something.

1) This is tiny and random, but Dreamwidth has expandable cut tags now, and I think they are the coolest things ever. Yay for not having to add to the million tabs I always have open!

2) OMG NEW TORCHWOOD FOR REALLY REAL THIS TIME. I had started to worry about it a little, but no, the BBC says it is actually happening! I have a whole other post to make later about why I think this is a good thing, but I can't do it now, because I still have writing to do today and writing up an epic Torchwood post would take up the rest of my night.

3) I have been in trans_9 for a little more than a week and it is awesome. Even when the Doctor is being a jerk to more or less innocent temporal anomalies.

4) I have chocolate ice cream with Reese's in in the freezer. I plan to use it to make my day better as soon as I'm done with this post.

Annnd more 30 Days of Who, because the Whoniverse makes many things better.

Day 04 - Your Favorite Doctor
If you actually have to ask this question, you do not know me at all. In case you actually don't know me, it's Ten. It has always been and very likely will always be Ten. XD

The first episode(s) of Doctor Who I ever watched was Army of Ghosts/Doomsday. I think I was about fifteen minutes into the first episode when I decided that yes, I totally adored the Doctor. And I did cry at the end of Doomsday when the Doctor started crying, despite those two episodes being the only canon I had ever seen. I know all of his ancient and forever moments and much more obvious angst (compared to other Doctors) annoy a lot of people, and I totally get that, but honestly, I really like those parts of him as much as the bounce and enthusiasm. I do wish he had managed to end just one season where he wasn't SAD AND ALONE ON THE TARDIS.

As a side-note, if we want to set aside Ten because he's my first Doctor and that may distort results, Eleven is my favorite after him (yes, already), and Three is my favorite Classic Doctor.

( The Master list )

Yeah, still can't force myself to do anything productive. I can't tell if the looming deadline of TBB is making it worse, or just... existing, totally tangential to the writingfail.

I think my brain is just stuck in input mode right now - I don't know how it got that way, and I don't know how to flip it back. There's nothing wrong with being in input mode, in theory, and except for TBB, this is not a bad time for it to happen, but... augh. I get all lost and depressed when I don't have something to show for my existence every day, and that has been more often than not lately.

I did manage to power through Torchwood in the last few days, including CoE - I've been putting off a rewatch for months and months, but now that I have watched it again? I would just like to reaffirm my love for the girls. All of them.

I'd forgotten especially how much I loved Lois, and I might have made an embarrassingly loud noise of pure GLEE when she answered "You and whose army?" with the word "Torchwood." SO. MUCH. LOVE. I'm seriously considering trying to find a place to play her. ...or Alice. Either one.

I think I'm going to curl up somewhere and just read a book until Doctor Who is up and Beka gets home. And hope I don't get attacked by any wasps in the meantime. They keep getting into the house, and I don't know how, and last night one started chasing me across the living room. I'd rather not repeat that experience.

I've been meaning to post something here for, like, two weeks. I kept getting distracted. Or just annoyed at my brain for not cooperating with me.

Anyway, I have internet at my house now, as well as my proper computer back. Not that I don't adore the netbook, but Gwen has all my music. And a fucking huge screen (particularly after using the netbook constantly for a couple weeks).

I am incredibly behind on NaNo. My focus is nearly nonexistant, and the further I get behind, the more I begin to SPAZ about it. I am going to attempt to catch up a little today, though - my sleep schedule has been broken to the point where I am literally sleeping through all the daylight, which is not generally good for my state of mind, because sunlight? KINDA IMPORTANT. So I think I'm going to stay up until the sun goes down tonight, and use that time to write shit. Wish me luck.

That's probably a better use of my time than spazzing because something in the plumbing is broken and the floor of our bathroom keeps turning into a miniature Kashtta Lake (and our fucking landlord apparently can't be bothered to GET HIS OWN EMAIL ADDRESS OR SOMETHING), or getting all twitchyspazzyFULLOFHAT because I want to be out of the house but at the same time am not so sure about that being around people thing...

If my brain could stop freaking out at the world for no good reason, I would be so very happy.

Ugh. I slept for twelve fucking hours yesterday, woke up after almost everyone had gone to bed already (or just as they were going to bed), and feel way more exhausted for it than when I only sleep four or five hours. And on top of that, my neck and shoulders and upper arms hurt like hell, my whole body's in a state of vaguely achy, and I feel like crying.

It is frickin' impossible to be productive when I hurt this much, and when I'm not productive, I hate everything and want to kick myself, and it's a neverending cycle of suck. *Grumblemutter* Also, we've got about a week and a half until we move, and still have not started packing. That needs to start soon, because I am not doing the last-minute packing thing again. It will kill me.

So if anyone was wondering how I'm doing... yeah. That's about the shape of it. I hate the world. (Except you, dear flist. I still love you.)

Other things I do not hate (which I must remind myself of so I don't start lighting things on fire) include:
- Pumpkin spice frapuccinos from Starbucks and caramel apple ice blendeds from Coffee Bean. This is the best time of the year for vaguely coffee-like drinks. Jaqui's Ianto may make horrified faces at me over Starbucks, but I don't care. The pumpkin spice things make me happy.
- beyondtherift, as always. We are so close to finishing this plot that's been going on for ages, you guys. So close. And then PLAGUES. No one does epic like the Rift. We're badass, you guys.
- Supernatural this season. Last season (which I just finished watching, like, two weeks ago) pissed me the hell off, and I wanted to cling to my grudge for just a little longer, but... certain things in the most recent episode meant I had to watch at least the first two episodes of this season. And OH MY GOD. The show earned all my love back with this most recent episode. ALL OF IT. Definitely a favorite. ...they will probably fuck it up again by the end of this season, but right now, I am in love.
- daemonprompts. Daemonfic is AWESOME, guys! Go write some! There aren't any activity requirements or anything. Just awesome fic. *Plans to write something as soon as her brain is back*
- On a Saturday. I'm only working on it in fits and spurts because getting my brain to focus on anything for too long is a trial and a half, but it is still awesome and so much fun. *Needs to get back to writing/editing the first draft*

Rrrh. I am not loving today. I woke up. Was allergic to life and could not stop sneezing. Took an allergy pill, went to bed for a few hours. Woke up again, and am now considering going back to bed just because I'm so damn tired, and I'm failing at doing anything productive.

I tried doing tags, and just ended up staring at the comment box for a while before closing the tab, so those of you waiting on tags from me... I will get back to you tomorrow, I promise.

Managed to finish my story for WIAD this round, though I had a minor freakout two hours to the deadline and almost defaulted. Um. I'm spazzing over this more than really necessary, but I'm trying to stop. Voting is up (stories here, voting here), for those of you with a little time to read and vote. I am not confident about my chances at this point, to be perfectly honest.

Today is just... frustrating me. I really, really want to be productive, but I am just so damn tired. I can't focus, and I'm starting to think that at this point, bed might be the best option.

So... I was going downstairs to bring Beka dry clothes so she could go out. As soon as I opened the door, the dog bolted. Not just running up and down the walkway like she usually does, she went right downstairs and out to the parking lot.

I spazzed and ran outside to catch her. In slippery flip-flops. In the rain. Ace, apparently, ran inside downstairs when Beka and Jaqui opens the door, but because of the rain, I didn't really hear that, so I ran downstairs to see if I could find the dog (who was now out of my sight, and I had fears she might be in the street).

The ground downstairs? FULL OF PUDDLES AND SLIPPERY SIDEWALKS, because hi, epic Arizona thunderstorm. Running across one of those slippery sidewalks, in my slippery, slippery flip-flops, I fell. And twisted my ankle. And then couldn't get up, so I just sat there in the rain for a little while until Beka came out to help me.

...then, it's me and Beka's anniversary. Holidays and birthdays and shit are, traditionally, disastrous for us. I really should have expected this. So now I'm sitting here, dripping, with a blanket wrapped around me and an icepack on my ankle, and our apartment smells of wet dog. I am having a Sam Tyler day. I step outside and THE WORLD FALLS DOWN ON MY HEAD.

At least there are no Hummers.