no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

MY LAPTOP SCREEN IS FLICKERING WEIRD COLORS AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT. It's not... like... constant, and it goes away if I move the screen, for some reason, but I am still trying not to have a panic attack over it, because lakfjdklfjd MY FUCKING LAPTOP. If it has a total meltdown or something, I will not be able to get a new one.

At least I backed up my music and writing and shit on the external not that long ago, so I'm not as freaked out as I could be. It is still distressing, and it's making everything else in the world way more stressful than it has to be - when I reach a certain level of stress, suddenly everything is the end of the world. EVERYTHING.

THERE ARE FIVE TAGS IN MY INBOX AND I WILL NEVER CLIMB OUT.

I HAVE AN IMPENDING DEADLINE FOR YULETIDE AND NOTHING WRITTEN, AND I SUCK AT WRITING ANYWAY AND I AM GOING TO DIE A MISERABLE FAILURE.

MY HANDS HURT BECAUSE THEY'RE DRY, BUT HAVING LOTION ON MY SKIN MAKES ME WANT TO WIPE THEM OFF ON EVERY SURFACE I CAN REACH AND MAKE THIS WEIRD HIGH-PITCHED KEENING NOISE LIKE I'M IN PAIN.

...okay, that part I do regardless of whether I am overstressed. I just really hate stuff on my hands.

I realize that all of these reactions are totally irrational. Intellectually, I'm fine. But I'm still getting all the emotional overload, complete with my heart freaking out and randomly wanting to cry over the stupidest things, and it makes it really hard to get anything done.

Good news: The snow melted yesterday, but it's coming back now. Which is a relief, because winter cold without snow is just depressing.

Also good news: I finally managed to figure out (some of) the plot of the angel series. Weirdly, it was while I was trying to work out the fairy book, which has nothing at all to do with the angel series. Or angels at all, except in that one... exists, largely off-screen. And now I think I need to rewrite half my background info on angels and demons. Awesome. :|

I am realizing that I can't really get incredibly drunk anymore. Every time I start to get tipsy, I get really nauseous too. This is somewhat annoying. On the bright side, ordinarygirl found some awesome rum that tastes delicious when used for pina coladas (and is not absolutely vile when drinking it straight), so that's good!

Here, have a link to my thread on that id meme that's been floating around. I really can't guess at what answers I'm likely to get here. ( This devolved into rambling that may be why I've been having weird blocks about writing? I don't know. )

And this disjointed ramble stopped being about id-fic long ago. In my defense, I have had quite a bit of alcohol today, even if I'm not terribly drunk. *Clears throat* Um. Carry on, then. I am going to wander off and try to write (ahahaha, I say that every day and it never works)... after I figure out why the fingers on my right hand are all kind of numb. It may have something to do with wrenching my shoulder when I wandered into the kitchen to grab a drink - don't ask how I did that, I'm just talented that way.

Ugh. I slept for twelve fucking hours yesterday, woke up after almost everyone had gone to bed already (or just as they were going to bed), and feel way more exhausted for it than when I only sleep four or five hours. And on top of that, my neck and shoulders and upper arms hurt like hell, my whole body's in a state of vaguely achy, and I feel like crying.

It is frickin' impossible to be productive when I hurt this much, and when I'm not productive, I hate everything and want to kick myself, and it's a neverending cycle of suck. *Grumblemutter* Also, we've got about a week and a half until we move, and still have not started packing. That needs to start soon, because I am not doing the last-minute packing thing again. It will kill me.

So if anyone was wondering how I'm doing... yeah. That's about the shape of it. I hate the world. (Except you, dear flist. I still love you.)

Other things I do not hate (which I must remind myself of so I don't start lighting things on fire) include:
- Pumpkin spice frapuccinos from Starbucks and caramel apple ice blendeds from Coffee Bean. This is the best time of the year for vaguely coffee-like drinks. Jaqui's Ianto may make horrified faces at me over Starbucks, but I don't care. The pumpkin spice things make me happy.
- beyondtherift, as always. We are so close to finishing this plot that's been going on for ages, you guys. So close. And then PLAGUES. No one does epic like the Rift. We're badass, you guys.
- Supernatural this season. Last season (which I just finished watching, like, two weeks ago) pissed me the hell off, and I wanted to cling to my grudge for just a little longer, but... certain things in the most recent episode meant I had to watch at least the first two episodes of this season. And OH MY GOD. The show earned all my love back with this most recent episode. ALL OF IT. Definitely a favorite. ...they will probably fuck it up again by the end of this season, but right now, I am in love.
- daemonprompts. Daemonfic is AWESOME, guys! Go write some! There aren't any activity requirements or anything. Just awesome fic. *Plans to write something as soon as her brain is back*
- On a Saturday. I'm only working on it in fits and spurts because getting my brain to focus on anything for too long is a trial and a half, but it is still awesome and so much fun. *Needs to get back to writing/editing the first draft*

I wrote things for On a Saturday for the first time in months! I don't care that it's only a page and change handwritten at the moment. IT IS PROGRESS. ZOMG.

...I don't know why I use this icon half the time when I talk about OaS. It's possible Kara is just the patron saint of that entire verse. I'm not sure if that's adorable or a little worrying.

And now I may have to continue that handwriting thing, because while I was planning to write more on the computer... sudden cramp in my left hand. It hurts. A lot. Makes typing difficult. WHY?

Also, I keep yawning, and we're out of coffee. That's got to be fixed. Like, now.

Argh. I wrote 1500 words of a story. They were good words. And then I realized they were completely unnecessary.

Right then. Starting over. *Grumpsulk*

I wouldn't mind so much, except I want the stupid thing finished by the end of the month. Way to go, me!

EDIT: Kansas really doesn't like Mat and Nate. That's all I'm saying.

....I had to replot a good chunk of the first book of On a Saturday, for Reasons. Nothing (well, not much) I've actually written got changed, but almost everything after where I stopped (which is the reason I stopped, besides the moving).

It just got A) a hell of a lot cooler, B) so much creepier, C) more coherent when you put it together with the other two books, and D) very morally gray. SO MORALLY GRAY.

...Awesome.

On the other hand, what the fuck, Riley? That... was unexpected from you. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

My hair is short now. I like it a lot, and it is no longer A) on my neck and annoying me or B) way too hot. Yaaay!

I'm at Panera Bread at the moment. With coffee and Evie and Harmony (who is our NaNo buddy and kind of awesome), making an effort to catch up on my word count. I'm about two days behind schedule at the moment. Jaqui or Evie (one of those two) found an awesome thing that will annoy you if you stop writing. Or delete your words if you stop writing. It's surprisingly helpful.

The plot's still doing what I expected it to at this point, but I can see the end of it twisting away from my original plans from here. This is a good thing. Plus, soon I get to play with the constants. Well, two of them. The constants are the reason I started playing with this verse in the first place. As you all know, I've got a thing for crazy immortals. It's almost as bad as my thing for angels. *Gleefits*

Though those of you who are reading it, please remind me when I get there that this is not the Epic Love Story of River and Lindsay. It's just not.

Aaaaand now I'm going to go back to writing. Playing catch-up is not as much fun as being ahead, and I would like to remember how being ahead feels.

1. Evie cut half my hair off the other day, because it was long and hot and I kept freaking out when it brushed against my neck. This was fine for about two days, and then even the shorter hair got hot and annoying. (The problem with my hair is that there is a certain length at which it does stupid curly things and is impossible to keep out of my face. When it's short, it's mostly straight, strangely enough, and when it's long it's just wavy, but DAMN THE CURLS.) So I'm going to have to either get a proper haircut very soon, or just have Evie buzz it all off. I don't really want to do the latter, because I like having some hair to play with when I'm thinking, but... whatever.

2. WE HAVE A CAR. A Jeep, which is good for winter roadtrip. This means that whenever Evie wakes up, we can actually, you know, go get food. And I can get out of the house. AWESOME! ...I've been kind of stuck here since the car broke down, because walking anywhere if it's too humid sends me into coughing fits that occasionally leave me retching. And we live in Florida, so, you know, it's not like humidity is an issue or anything... Yeah. It's been driving me a little crazy.

3. One of the characters in my NaNo randomly got adorable. When did that happen? What happened to being a bastard, Warren? ...Oh, wait, you're still doing that. Never mind, carry on.

4. My attention span is shot to hell. How difficult is it to just sit down and write? Apparently more difficult than you'd think...

Having such a totally screwed up sleep schedule does have some benefits. Like many, many hours of being wide awake right after NaNo starts. I am pleased with this.

1) That prologue was not supposed to be so fucking long. I'm not even sure it counts as a prologue anymore. Damn it.

2) When you have to stop and ask yourself "Am I really killing someone with a giant undead raccoon monster in the prologue?", you are doing NaNo right. Or oh so wrong. I haven't quite decided.

3) Chris is still ahead of me. I've kind of resigned myself to this, and I'm okay with it because I love that universe and more writing in it is always a thing of joy. Still. Dammit, Chris. You make me feel inadequate.

4) DID I MENTION THE ZOMBIES?

5) I really need titles for these books. I've got a title for the damn trilogy, just not the books themselves, and that is annoying.

6) ...Yes, this song totally is on my playlist for this book. I make no apologies.

I have a S:AAB icon now, yay. ...I was in the middle of making icons for my Vansen journal, and I liked this shot. A lot. So. Not that Vansen is coming in any time soon and I am terrified of giving her a Rift power of any kind and I need to talk to Chris about timelines, but... shhh.

Spent most of my day so far poking at my NaNo journal, which is onasaturday. Having a community saves me from having to put another journal on my LJ login plugin (I have so many there it sometimes freaks me out). And maybe it'll stop me from making new journals for every damn book. I can hope! Of course, I do have a million and one character journals from that verse now, but... well, you know how it goes.

If you'd like to join the comm, feel free - as long as I know who the hell you are, I'll let you in. And if you're doing NaNo too and want to add me to your writing buddies, my username over there is, predictably, allfireburns.

I think I need to go scavenge for some sort of food now. Candy does not count, though I do have an awful lot of it thanks to the Great Pumpkin. ...My family's strange and awesome, shut up.