no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

My emotions are doing stupid not-fun things to me today. I keep swinging back and forth between wanting to curl up and cry, and wanting to hit things, and desperately wanting physical contact, and then wanting nothing to do with people... and it's not even mood swings, because it's all definitely the same emotion, I just... don't know what to do with it.

I think I understand why Simba sometimes goes tearing around the house with the big wide eyes full of CRAZY. I feel about how he looks, times like that.

It probably does not help that I haven't been out of the house except a couple times for groceries in two months. And I still have the problem that was part of the reason we moved in the first place, which is that I can't ever get out of the house under my own power or be alone when I choose to...

I really just don't know what to do with myself today. It's not a bad day, I'm just utterly confused and frustrated by it. Mrrph.

(Also, mostly - probably? - unrelated to the rest of this post, I made the mistake of mainlining S5 Supernatural yesterday, with the exception of Abandon All Hope, which I had to stop watching partway through... though I do plan to finish it at some point. It... um... well, it reaffirmed my desire to one day punch Kripke in the face. And then just walk away with no explanation at all. I really hope he's trying to be this much of a dick when it comes to some things, because the thought that he's an utterly oblivious dick is even worse. Ugh.

...I did, however, adore Changing Channels. I may have watched it three times. It's not that I don't like the show, I just have to take a lot of things in isolation, because when you put it all together, there are aspects that make me physically nauseous and full of "burn down Vancouver" rage. Which is why I am done with this fucking show now. I wish I didn't have to be, because it hits so many of my kinks, but it's just mashing on my rage buttons a lot harder.)

Oh God. Evie and I need to never watch Supernatural at night. Except that we, you know, always do.

And then I end up not able to go into the bathroom or bedroom until Evie makes sure that there are no monsters in there. ...And we may have salted the windowsill and doorway before going to bed. Just a bit. It's the creepy kids that get me. Every time.

And now I'm going to try to write something for writerinadrawer before actually sleeping (or before Evie drags me to bed - I'm told I have 45 minutes). Which I'm sucking at a bit. *Flails* This is, among other things, is why I want a big red countdown clock. Someone get me a big red countdown clock for my birthday. Which is not until October, granted. I'm just saying.

EDIT: Okay, I had to share this conversation, for it is awesome.

( Cut for... a lot of Supernatural geekery. And naked lesbians. )

EDIT II: Okay... well... I just wrote something that doesn't fit the prompt at all? How's that?

...No good? Yeah, I thought so. *Stares mournfully at it* And now there are two places I could go with this story and I want to do both at once and DAMN IT. *Facepalms* I didn't my brain to run off and write things totally unrelated to the prompt. Really. What the hell?

I woke up to find it raining. And thundering a little.

This actually pleases me a lot - I don't know, rain makes me happy. I was the sick and twisted kid who always hoped it would rain at school when the weather was looking bad so we would get to have lunch in the classroom and I could read without anyone bothering me. Plus, no PE. Rainy days were the best days ever.

Meanwhile, it's the weekend. Theoretically. I don't know, I've had the whole week off, thanks to extreme incompetence on the part of my store manager, so it doesn't mean a whole lot to me, but Evie has today off, so. There needs to be more mainlining of Supernatural, I think (damn you, Esther). Although something about the rain makes me want to curl up with hot chocolate and watch Studio 60. Maybe some combination of both.

I do need to do worldbuildy things with On a Saturday, though. And plotty things. Something in my brain still wants angels and demons. I am firmly telling it no, not that that seems to be working. The biggest problems I'm having is with the powers that be. Namely, whether there are any, and if there are, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY? *Grumbles*

My universe hates me and so wants to be difficult. *Growr*