no one gets to tell me if I've lost or if I've won

For once in my life I have someone who needs me...

2011-05-12T23:17:37Z

Am I abusing mod powers at babylonwood to create a plot just so I'd have an excuse to use these icons? Maaaaaybe. I am not even a little ashamed of this.

Astrid icons exist because ordinarygirl asked for them. ...and the Ella ones exist just because she's the cutest tinyperson ever.

[104] Olivia
[40] Peter
[37] Astrid
[25] Ella
[3] Olivia/Peter
[209] total

( For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me... )

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Fringe icons (3x12 & 3x14)

2011-04-16T08:55:13Z

At some point, I should stop making icons and figure out which ones I actually want to use. That... hasn't happened yet. :|

[150] Olivia
[97] Peter
[7] Olivia/Peter
[4] Fauxlivia
[259] total

( 'What if this is not about physics, but about people?' )

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A droplet-based transmission means I sneeze and then you die...

2011-04-09T21:41:02Z

So I just spent the entirety of this week trying not to die of some horrible deathplague. I am almost better now, as far as I can tell, though still a tiny bit feverish, but my entire torso feels bruised from the inside out from coughing constantly, and there is so much stuff that piled up while I wasn't looking. I have a billion tags to do (and a plot to shove along, though probably not until Jae returns from Canadaland), and apps to read, and so many things I need to write, most of which I am completely lost on, and the house is covered in stuff and I am dying to clean it except I'm still wobbly on my feet so, you know, I should probably hold off on that for a while longer but it is driving me crazy. And I managed to infect Beka, and I feel really guilty even though it was totally unavoidable, and I want to keep her home and make sure she doesn't die and I can't and...

I think I have used more "ands" in this post than should be legal in the space of so few sentences. In summary:
1) I'm not dead, despite the universe's attempts to change that.
2) I am more than a little overstressed at the moment, because the world does not go away just because I'm incapable of dealing with it.
3) I need a hug. Or possibly someone to hold my hand and convince me that a) I do not have to tackle everything at once and b) I am not going to die under the weight of all the goddamn stuff I have to do.

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Moar Fringe icons (3x10 & 3x11)

2011-03-31T04:31:44Z

[108] Olivia
[121] Peter
[229] total

( And love's a raven when it flies... )

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Three things (neutral, AWFUL, and OH GOD WONDERFUL)

2011-03-26T22:43:03Z

1. I still live. I changed my layout. I need to get a lot better at this updating thing.

2. I went to bed with a vaguely annoying headache. I was woken up many hours later by that same headache, many, many, many times more painful now. I took some of the 800mg ibuprofen ordinarygirl got for her ankle, am slowly downing coffee every time I think it won't make me throw up, and I'm curled up in bed wearing my Georgia Mason sunglasses* and hating the world.

My cat keeps trying to make me feel better, and I just want to cry, because HIS PURRING IS SO LOUD, OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.

3. Good news (that I keep doublechecking every now and then because I am half-convinced and completely terrified it is some kind of cruel lie): FRINGE GOT RENEWED FOR S4. FOR A FULL 22 EPISODES.

...ow, even typing in caps is making my head hurt somehow. But never mind that, because my show OMG.

I'm afraid to watch shows while they're still on the air because my love kills them. I am Toshiko Sato for network TV. I almost cried when Fringe got moved to the Friday night death slot because surely this was all my fault, and I've been bracing myself for horrible news for months now, but somehow FOX made the right decision and it survived. THERE ARE NOT WORDS FOR HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW.

...ow.

*For those of you who have never read Feed, ~~shame on you~~ Georgia Mason wears sunglasses all the time because she has the zombie virus in her eyes. And that is how I feel right now. Like there are zombies in my eyes. And possibly my brain.

...it's not as fun as it sounds.

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ALL THE MARIONETTE ICONS.

2011-03-25T01:38:10Z

...I needed some icons for my Olivia journal. And then... uh... I got carried away. I JUST REALLY LIKE THIS EPISODE, OKAY? ...now watch me do this with the rest of S3. :|

[118] Olivia
[92] Peter
[3] Olivia and Peter
[213] total

( 'You'd think that someone who was working that hard at being okay would get some sort of payoff.' 'Well, it doesn't always work like that.' )

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Sometimes I think too much.

2011-02-10T12:57:55Z

I was going to sleep for another hour. But apparently I was awake enough that I started wondering (I do not know how or why) about emergency rooms in Newsflesh verse. Which then led to wondering how the fuck or even IF they do surgery and deep concern about whether organ transplants were even possible or if that would be about as safe as putting a ticking bomb in someone's chest, and then I couldn't get back to sleep anymore. WHAT THE FUCK, MY BRAIN.

...sadly, this isn't actually the first time Kellis-Amberlee has kept me awake like this. I think the last time involved worrying about zombie whales...

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The sky looks pissed, the wind talks back, my bones are shifting in my skin...

2011-02-06T04:23:17Z

Oh my god, tonight sucks already and I just woke up.

It apparently started sleeting while I slept, and all my joints hurt (especially my elbows, for some reason), so I really don't want to get out of bed any more than I have to. And I can't stop sneezing, and I'm nearly out of coffee. And I had really unpleasant dreams about serial killers (which... I suppose is what happens when you fall asleep with Sherlock on a loop in the background, but... shut up, it seemed like a good idea at the time), and Beka isn't coming home tonight because the sleet made the buses not run. Awesome.

PLEASE TO SHOVE HAPPY THINGS AT ME, WORLD? ANYTHING AT ALL? Or leave love on my thread at rplovelovememe? Or at least... let me know some of you are having a better day than I am. That would help too.

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Who needs content? I have a meme!

2011-02-03T04:05:44Z

List fifteen of your favorite characters from different fandoms, and ask people to spot patterns in your choices, if they're so inclined.

Alphabetical by fandom, because I am neurotic:

Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Michael Westen (Burn Notice)
Kate Beckett (Castle)
Emily Prentiss (Criminal Minds)
Karrin Murphy (The Dresden Files)
The Tenth Doctor (Doctor Who)
Claire Saunders (Dollhouse)
Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly)
Olivia Dunham (Fringe)
Kerowyn (Heralds of Valdemar)
Sam Tyler (Life on Mars)
~~Kellis-Amberlee~~ Georgia Mason (Newsflesh)
Toby Daye (Toby Daye... series?)
Gwen Cooper (Torchwood)
Diana Barrigan (White Collar)

...there are a couple outliers, but my type literally could not be more obvious if I tried. (And the Doctor Who one was picked mostly at random - you can replace Ten with Martha or River, if you like, because I love them all equally.)

I think the biggest thing it's pointing to is that the only thing stopping me from going into law enforcement is my body repeatedly failing me, but if anyone would like to point out anything else, feel free. XD

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I'm just going to lie down and die, if you guys don't mind...

2011-01-20T18:38:37Z

In the hotel. Thinking about having a nap. Or a long bath. Or just curling up and crying for a while, because I am tired and in pain and OH GOD EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS EXPEDITION HAS SUCKED.

Someone please remind me of this the next time my dad asks me on a trip so I can say no. Because this always happens, and this time I'm not even in my city to make everything suck less. And I can't get a hold of Beka.

*Cranky flop*

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We're hoping to find our way out of the gray, and into a world that's got style...

2011-01-20T10:26:34Z

I'm at the airport. Haven't gone through security yet, because I have an outlet and a comfy chair here, and neither of those things seem to exist on the other side of security. I have an hour and change until my flight, and no one is awake on the internet to keep me entertained. And also, there are no tags in my inbox. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Today is one of those days I just... can't be myself out in the world. I have a lot of those when I actually have to interact with humans who aren't my people. Luckily for me, I never grew out of some things, so pretending to be someone else works just fine for me.

The Doctor is my favorite, especially when I'm travelling, for obvious reasons. I keep a sonic screwdriver in my bag as a matter of course. But being the Doctor requires a lot of energy I so don't have right now - on top of which, those trainers and airport security do not mix well. I'm just saying.

Harry Dresden is a good backup, and another one of my favorites lately - although I always end up annoyed by how short I am then. His pentacle's also in my bag right now, just in case ~~I need something to throw at werewolves~~, but being Harry also requires something I can't find right now. There's this sort of bone-deep, unconscious confidence that he can handle anything the universe throws at him, and that's just not coming this morning.

So I'm Emily Prentiss today. She doesn't have that energy, or that confidence, but she's good enough at faking both that sometimes she can even fool herself. Her costume's simpler and a lot less obvious than the boys' - no trainers or talismans or trenchcoats, nothing I don't wear anyway when I'm being myself. In a lot of ways, she is me, just an extrovert where I'm the furthest thing from it, but shrugging Emily on like a coat is what it took to get me out of the house today.

I probably won't be myself for the rest of this trip, either. It's exhausting, even - sometimes especially - with my family. Pulling on someone else means I get to keep pieces of myself to myself, and I much prefer it that way.

And now that you're all thinking I'm a complete loser, and I've wasted an hour or so writing this post and screwing around on the internet, I think I'm going to head through security now. I'll do myself to let you all know I'm alive when I get to DC. &heart;

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Well. Crap.

2011-01-19T08:35:40Z

ARGH.

Earlier this month, I agreed to go see my dad in DC while he's on leave. And forgot about it. And forgot to mention it to Beka.

I HAVE TO BE AT THE AIRPORT AT 4 AM TOMORROW. I AM UNPREPARED FOR THIS.

Not... packing-wise, though that's also true - it's an easier problem to fix, because I can pack in about five minutes. I just haven't psyched myself up for the whole... travel thing yet.

IT'S A LOT HARDER WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A PHONE OR CASH AND KNOW THAT IF YOU MISS A FLIGHT OR CAN'T FIND A CAB YOU ARE SCREWED. dflkjdflj

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Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some reason me...

2011-01-01T08:22:20Z

Happy new year, everyone!

Normally I post my word count for the year around now, but Iiii really don't want to talk about that. Let's just say... abysmal? Seriously, it's deeply depressing if I let myself think too much about it, so I am just going to... not do that.

Happy things? I signed up for getyourwordsout, so that will hopefully be helpful getting me... back to somewhere that feels more normal for me. And jaeled has issued a challenge to enter writing contests with her, and I am pretty much incapable of saying no to a direct challenge. Or to Jae.

ALSO, now that Yuletide fics are no longer anonymous, I can link to mine! (I'll post it on my writing journals properly another time. When I don't have so many things on my damn to do list.)

I wrote a Dresden Files/Sparrow Hill Road crossover for ordinarygirl. Could've been a lot better, as A) I am out of practice, and B) I was writing up to (and past) the deadline and so had no time to revise, but I still like it a lot.

...plus, now I can justify writing a second one once Ghost Story is out. You have no idea how excited I am for that.

NOW, I need to go... finish off the last few items on my to do list. So I can get to work on the second one. YES, I HAVE MULTIPLE LISTS AT ONCE. WHAT.

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I sit alone just looking at the world through a storm window...

2010-12-25T09:13:19Z

I am somewhat blah on the subject of Christmas right now. It's not a bad blah, really. It's a neutral blah. I am just not sold on the existence of Christmas this year. (I might want to experiment with Christmas lights next year. The colored kind. I honestly think that might be my problem.)

The possibly imaginary holiday did bring me wonderful things, though. Like an awesome mix-and-fic from Jae. And MORE ICONS FOR EMILY from Chris. And some books and a pentacle from Beka. (The pentacle is actually for one of my headvoices, not me, but I still love it a lot. NO POINTS FOR GUESSING WHICH HEADVOICE.) And I have three Yuletide fics sitting in the archive waiting for me to be able to read them, so that's exciting too.

SPEAKING OF WHICH. YULETIDE. I FINISHED A STORY FOR IT TO MAKE UP FOR MY FAILURE AT WRITING MY ACTUAL ASSIGNMENT.

...you guys, it is longer than anything else I have written this year (assuming we count chapters of On a Saturday seperately instead of together). I am so proud of me. I still don't know if I love the fic like kittens or want to set it on fire, but it's done and that is a wonderful thing all by itself.

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The better points of going bad just cannot be denied...

2010-12-21T02:10:42Z

Ever have that feeling like Something is Wrong in the Universe, but you don't know what it is or how to fix it? That's about where I am right now.

Usually it freaks me out, but right now it's just making me want to punch something. *Grumblesulk*

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So come on now, we've got our sides to pick...

2010-12-18T09:33:52Z

This post is just going to be a succession of unconnected... things, because I cannot be bothered to make it coherent. Deal with it. :|

1) I had to default on Yuletide. This annoys me, but I had nothing written and no ideas, and even if I had somehow managed to whip out something before the deadline, it would likely only be disappointing to the recipient, which I did not want. I'm hoping I'll be able to write some treats for people or something to make myself feel better. There are some fandoms I am dying to write in, so hopefully something will click.

2) I've been canon reviewing for w_for_wizard for months now. Because I'm dumb and keep picking up book characters (...okay, two). And because I keep trying to read, like, four books at once, this canon review is moving along more slowly than some glaciers. But I finished reading Fool Moon yesterday. And typed up my notes... which turned out to be three times longer than my notes for SF. The rest of this canon review is going to be fun. (The idea is that if I take enough notes, when I'm done I will only have to drag out the books when I need to remember a specific line or description or something. Chances this theory is true: slim to none.)

( More TDF rambling under the cut - mention of That Spoiler for Changes )

Anyway. I really need to speed up my canon review if I want to be done by the time Ghost Story is out. Which... would be really, really nice, but doesn't seem too likely at this point.

3) SO I AM HAVING THIS PROBLEM WITH RP. ...before anyone freaks out, it isn't with a specific game or person. It's more a general sort of thing that is bothering me, possibly because I am just neurotic and worry about these things way more than I really should.

( ANOTHER CUT. This one just in case you don't care about my RP flailing. )

4) Possible Christmas party with Beka tomorrow. (Uh. Later today, actually, at this point.) I might have to be sociable. With people. Out in the world. Oh god I might die.

...I mean. Getting out of the house is awesome and all, but OH GOD PEOPLE. STRANGERS, EVEN. I AM NEVER GOOD AT THAT SORT OF THING. *Hides forever* ...and I should probably go to bed right fucking now if I want to get anything done before I have to go out in the world. Crap.

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Same birds that followed me to school when I was young...

2010-12-13T16:31:05Z

MY LAPTOP SCREEN IS FLICKERING WEIRD COLORS AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT. It's not... like... constant, and it goes away if I move the screen, for some reason, but I am still trying not to have a panic attack over it, because lakfjdklfjd MY FUCKING LAPTOP. If it has a total meltdown or something, I will not be able to get a new one.

At least I backed up my music and writing and shit on the external not that long ago, so I'm not as freaked out as I could be. It is still distressing, and it's making everything else in the world way more stressful than it has to be - when I reach a certain level of stress, suddenly everything is the end of the world. EVERYTHING.

THERE ARE FIVE TAGS IN MY INBOX AND I WILL NEVER CLIMB OUT.

I HAVE AN IMPENDING DEADLINE FOR YULETIDE AND NOTHING WRITTEN, AND I SUCK AT WRITING ANYWAY AND I AM GOING TO DIE A MISERABLE FAILURE.

MY HANDS HURT BECAUSE THEY'RE DRY, BUT HAVING LOTION ON MY SKIN MAKES ME WANT TO WIPE THEM OFF ON EVERY SURFACE I CAN REACH AND MAKE THIS WEIRD HIGH-PITCHED KEENING NOISE LIKE I'M IN PAIN.

...okay, that part I do regardless of whether I am overstressed. I just really hate stuff on my hands.

I realize that all of these reactions are totally irrational. Intellectually, I'm fine. But I'm still getting all the emotional overload, complete with my heart freaking out and randomly wanting to cry over the stupidest things, and it makes it really hard to get anything done.

Good news: The snow melted yesterday, but it's coming back now. Which is a relief, because winter cold without snow is just depressing.

Also good news: I finally managed to figure out (some of) the plot of the angel series. Weirdly, it was while I was trying to work out the fairy book, which has nothing at all to do with the angel series. Or angels at all, except in that one... exists, largely off-screen. And now I think I need to rewrite half my background info on angels and demons. Awesome. :|

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Let winterlight come and spread your white sheets over my empty house...

2010-12-09T09:25:44Z

WHY IS THE WORLD SO COLD? ...the strange thing is that I was fine for the past week when it was actually snowing. Constantly. But today the sun was up, and now I feel like it's so cold I might die. This does not make sense.

...and as I was typing this, I looked up and realized the window was slightly open. That explains a lot. And then I had to spend several minutes with my hands going numb peeling this weird sticky foam out of the window so it would actually latch when I closed it again. At least now the heat will hopefully remain inside the house...

I have not started my Yuletide story. I don't know what I'm doing for my Yuletide story. There's actually nothing wrong with the fandom or the assignment, it's just... almost too easy for me? I can't really say any more without giving serious hints about what fandom it is, but I am mostly annoyed at myself right now.

Canon reviewing right now to see if something will hit me, and desperately hoping I don't end up writing straight up to the deadline (though it's not out of the realm of possibility).

...man, this post is whiny. I just don't think I have anything else right now. Uh... Have a picture of Michaelcat forcing his love on a very uncomfortable boppy. (He thinks they're cuddlebuddies now. Ace disagrees.)

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I could go for miles and never go too far...

2010-11-26T15:16:53Z

I had a dream we were moving. And not that I wouldn't love to move out of this house, but it is really stressful to wake up thinking you have finally finished packing everything and then go "AUGH WHY IS EVERYTHING NO LONGER IN BOXES? WHY?"

I think it's just because this has been the time of year when we move for the past... two years? Three? Whatever. My brain believes it is the time for an epic cross-country roadtrip, and I am kind of disappointed that that's not true. My wanderlust does not accept excuses.

...I would probably settle for being able to get out of the house, preferably in the damn car, but that's also not a possibility. *Sulk*

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"My guess is there's not much this woman is unprepared for."

2010-11-25T15:03:54Z

...I had no tag or writing brain yesterday. It shows. The hilarious thing is that I probably won't even use any of these icons because the hair is wrong for whatever canon point I eventually pick. And so is the body language, to a certain extent. *Sigh*

[230] Emily Prentiss (S2)

( Read more... )

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I know you're bound to save the world; well, is there time to save me too?

2010-11-22T01:26:14Z

Mrrph. Today is just... hard.

I woke up and my heart was freaking out, like it does from time to time. And the animals would not leave me alone, and knocked over the trash while I was taking a shower. And then I became convinced for some reason that the world would end if I did not clean my room right away (despite the whole... my heart is trying to kill me issue), and now just walking across my (very small) room is so exhausting I kind of want to cry.

I am too exhausted to sleep. How does that happen? Though I guess it probably didn't help that the cat decided to use me as a jungle gym the last time I attempted sleep.

On a vaguely related note, I had one of Seanan's CDs on repeat while I was cleaning, and I finally actually listened to "Four-Color Love" (sometimes it takes me, like, a year to actually pay attention to a song, okay?), and now I really want to write a superhero story. Which would be fine, except I don't know anything about superheroes. I don't like superheroes.

...of course, I said the same thing about fairies not that long ago, and now I am knee-deep in fae in both my original writing and my RP life. These things happen.

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Once upon a time I had control, and reined my soul in tight...

2010-11-19T15:39:43Z

So I had a random depressive downswing a few days ago. Which, while random, is not all that unusual for me, and when it happens, I will usually count it a victory if I manage to spend less than a week just not getting out of bed.

And I did spend a day in bed, but... somehow managed to drag myself out of it after that. Not just bed, the whole... depressive episode. I'd be a lot more pleased about this if I could figure out how the hell I did that. Because, you know, that might kind of be something useful to know in the future.

I'm still poking my emotional state with a stick periodically just to see if it's going to fall apart the second I stop paying attention, but I actually seem to be fine. It's kind of freaking me out how fine I am. Still intermittently tetchy at the world, but I seem to be capable of feeling emotions other than HAET. SURELY THIS IS A TRAP OF SOME KIND.

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Would it be enough to go by if we could sail on the wind and the dark?

2010-11-15T04:16:09Z

[171] End of Time bases (all of the Tenth Doctor)

( Would it be enough to live on if my love could keep you alive? )

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The only guy I want to find in my bed is the guy that wants to eat my brain...

2010-10-31T19:00:16Z

IT IS SNOWING, YOU GUYS.

THE WORLD GAVE ME A PRESENT FOR HALLOWEEN, AND IT IS SNOW.

It's kind of hail-y snow, and only a tiny bit, but I have been wishing for snow for months, and it makes me happy that it exists.

...also, not two seconds after I turned on my zombie playlist, something thumped on the window directly behind me. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT WAS. BUT IT WAS ALARMING AND UNPLEASANT.

And, uh, since I'm posting, I guess I should just let this post serve as an announcement that I'm disappearing from the internet for a week starting tomorrow. I need a vacation. Badly.

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There are things we can't avoid - if we pick up life and drop the toys...

2010-10-25T06:29:41Z

Note: I am sorry for posting twice in one day. Apparently I have many feelings. :|
This is not an attack. On anyone. Most of it - though not all - is actually because of people I only really know by association, not personally. This is something I need to say because otherwise, I won't be able to stop being angry, and... I would really like to stop being angry at some point.
And I don't want to discourage people from commenting if they want, but, I swear to god, if I see anyone being mean to or about anyone else in this post, I will get rid of that thread so fast it will have been erased from time. I am so not kidding about this.

( Some of you are probably tired of this. I will not blame you for not clicking this cut. )

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